Friggin' Anxiety.....it's driving me to...well...more anxiety....
Vicious cycle...
I will NOT let it get the better of me.
It's my daughters 2nd bday party this weekend. Stressed much? Oh yeah!
I'm now officially in the TWW....but I don't dare get my hopes up again. No way, last months devastation was, well, devastation.....
In the same breath I'm praying it is my turn. One last shot before the FS. Gulp.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Fertility....
Something I haven't spoken about on here before....
Simply because its too painful.
We have been TTC our second bubba since Sept. 09, we were lucky enough to fall pregnant on the 2nd cycle....but it ended up been an ectopic pregnancy and I lost the bubba and my left tube. Luckily they managed to save my ovary.....Lucky seems like such the wrong word. There was nothing lucky about the situation....
Anyway....I had surgery on NYE and started the New Year in tears but determined to create life.
It's not working.
So I have been referred to a Fertility Specialist. Which is totally overwhelming and daunting....
I see the FS in July...so I have one more shot of trying to get pregnant by ourselves.
I have no idea what to expect at our first visit. I suspect the FS will take lots of blood and order tests. I am keen to see if my remaining tube is clear so perhaps he will schedule surgery to check everything is in 'working order'.
I suppose DH will have to give a 'sample' too.......poor fella. Think of the pressure.
I've decided to start talking about this because I need to vent and secondly no one else is willing to talk about it.....making me feel like I'm in the minority and like there is something wrong with me...which there probably is.
So yeah....another specialist to add to the list.
What I wouldn't give for my health.............
Simply because its too painful.
We have been TTC our second bubba since Sept. 09, we were lucky enough to fall pregnant on the 2nd cycle....but it ended up been an ectopic pregnancy and I lost the bubba and my left tube. Luckily they managed to save my ovary.....Lucky seems like such the wrong word. There was nothing lucky about the situation....
Anyway....I had surgery on NYE and started the New Year in tears but determined to create life.
It's not working.
So I have been referred to a Fertility Specialist. Which is totally overwhelming and daunting....
I see the FS in July...so I have one more shot of trying to get pregnant by ourselves.
I have no idea what to expect at our first visit. I suspect the FS will take lots of blood and order tests. I am keen to see if my remaining tube is clear so perhaps he will schedule surgery to check everything is in 'working order'.
I suppose DH will have to give a 'sample' too.......poor fella. Think of the pressure.
I've decided to start talking about this because I need to vent and secondly no one else is willing to talk about it.....making me feel like I'm in the minority and like there is something wrong with me...which there probably is.
So yeah....another specialist to add to the list.
What I wouldn't give for my health.............
Returning home....
Back again.
Means I'm struggling again. Lonely. Isolated.
Been disassociating constantly; at work, driving the car, cooking dinner, hanging the clothes out....bam....disconnected. It's annoying to say the least. It's also disheartening.
I'm experiencing some of the schizo affective 'side-effects' (if you will) lately. Especially the loss of motivation and apathy. It's shocking. I try so hard to keep it together but honestly? I can't be stuffed.......I have no motivation and that's affecting my work stamina.
And the apathy....oh god how I want to feel again. I smile and laugh and fake it all the way but really...truly...I feel nothing.
I was sick for 3 weeks straight a couple of weeks back and it totally threw out my blood sugar levels. I have been having hypos nearly every day and its totally.totally.TOTALLY freaking me out!!
My psychiatrist says people with schizophrenia and psychotic disorder are significantly more at risk of developing diabetes.
Bingo.....there I go again. Meeting the stereotype for insanity.
I try so hard to be normal. And I do a damm good job. But it's so tiring. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of the tiredness....
Means I'm struggling again. Lonely. Isolated.
Been disassociating constantly; at work, driving the car, cooking dinner, hanging the clothes out....bam....disconnected. It's annoying to say the least. It's also disheartening.
I'm experiencing some of the schizo affective 'side-effects' (if you will) lately. Especially the loss of motivation and apathy. It's shocking. I try so hard to keep it together but honestly? I can't be stuffed.......I have no motivation and that's affecting my work stamina.
And the apathy....oh god how I want to feel again. I smile and laugh and fake it all the way but really...truly...I feel nothing.
I was sick for 3 weeks straight a couple of weeks back and it totally threw out my blood sugar levels. I have been having hypos nearly every day and its totally.totally.TOTALLY freaking me out!!
My psychiatrist says people with schizophrenia and psychotic disorder are significantly more at risk of developing diabetes.
Bingo.....there I go again. Meeting the stereotype for insanity.
I try so hard to be normal. And I do a damm good job. But it's so tiring. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of the tiredness....
Friday, April 23, 2010
Nerves...
My nerves are completely shot....I've just had a shock and its left me a little disorientated.....
......Keep it together......
......Keep it together......
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Double Whammy
I've been on leave....
On leave whilst the meds kick in and start doing their job.
I'm not feeling quite so dark or isolated anymore....thank you Abilify and Prozac....
Weight Watchers has been really difficult over Easter...add to that the fact that I am losing motivation...fast...and it's a double whammy. I know I have to get back on track but it's not easy with temptation around every corner...
Been on school holidays is even harder still because I'm home all day and the boredom and stress of a very sick toddler leaves me wanting to comfort eat. My itty bitty one has had....still has...the flu so we have been confined to the house all week going stir crazy!!
My Weight Watchers Goals this week;
On leave whilst the meds kick in and start doing their job.
I'm not feeling quite so dark or isolated anymore....thank you Abilify and Prozac....
Weight Watchers has been really difficult over Easter...add to that the fact that I am losing motivation...fast...and it's a double whammy. I know I have to get back on track but it's not easy with temptation around every corner...
Been on school holidays is even harder still because I'm home all day and the boredom and stress of a very sick toddler leaves me wanting to comfort eat. My itty bitty one has had....still has...the flu so we have been confined to the house all week going stir crazy!!
My Weight Watchers Goals this week;
- Drink more water (2-3lt daily)
- Track everything (E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G)
- Exercise more!
Wish me luck??
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Crashing Down...
Last night I was feeling a bit better, and this afternoon I actually felt good. I thought, hey the meds are kicking in....
But now I have crashed again and I want to run and hide under the sheets, listening to the rain on the windows....
Did I tell you I lost 1.4kg at my last weigh in at Weight Watchers?? I think I did.
I don't have weigh in this Saturday due to it being Easter and all....so I have two weeks to track and exercise and generally try and kick butt.....I really wanna lose a big number when I go back. But it's Easter. Hot Cross Buns. Lindt Bunnies. Cadbury Hunting Eggs....sigh....
But now I have crashed again and I want to run and hide under the sheets, listening to the rain on the windows....
Did I tell you I lost 1.4kg at my last weigh in at Weight Watchers?? I think I did.
I don't have weigh in this Saturday due to it being Easter and all....so I have two weeks to track and exercise and generally try and kick butt.....I really wanna lose a big number when I go back. But it's Easter. Hot Cross Buns. Lindt Bunnies. Cadbury Hunting Eggs....sigh....
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Damage Control
People just don't want to know about mental illness...unless you're well then they seem keen enough...
But as soon as you start to unravel people don't want to know. Either about it or you.
I've been really unwell, both mentally and physically and not one person has asked, "How are you?"........
Now I'm not stupid...I know that if someone DID ask me that not to divulge too much information or suddenly tell them how I really feel......but it would make me feel as if someone cares enough to at least pretend to be interested.
Is that just selfish???
My husband still hasn't asked how my appointment went...I've given up. Why should anyone care anyway?
But as soon as you start to unravel people don't want to know. Either about it or you.
I've been really unwell, both mentally and physically and not one person has asked, "How are you?"........
Now I'm not stupid...I know that if someone DID ask me that not to divulge too much information or suddenly tell them how I really feel......but it would make me feel as if someone cares enough to at least pretend to be interested.
Is that just selfish???
My husband still hasn't asked how my appointment went...I've given up. Why should anyone care anyway?
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