Crashing Down...

Last night I was feeling a bit better, and this afternoon I actually felt good. I thought, hey the meds are kicking in....

But now I have crashed again and I want to run and hide under the sheets, listening to the rain on the windows....

Did I tell you I lost 1.4kg at my last weigh in at Weight Watchers?? I think I did.

I don't have weigh in this Saturday due to it being Easter and all....so I have two weeks to track and exercise and generally try and kick butt.....I really wanna lose a big number when I go back. But it's Easter. Hot Cross Buns. Lindt Bunnies. Cadbury Hunting Eggs....sigh....

Damage Control

People just don't want to know about mental illness...unless you're well then they seem keen enough...

But as soon as you start to unravel people don't want to know. Either about it or you.

I've been really unwell, both mentally and physically and not one person has asked, "How are you?"........

Now I'm not stupid...I know that if someone DID ask me that not to divulge too much information or suddenly tell them how I really feel......but it would make me feel as if someone cares enough to at least pretend to be interested.

Is that just selfish???

My husband still hasn't asked how my appointment went...I've given up. Why should anyone care anyway?

The Verdict...with a little courage needed...

So I saw my psychiatrist today....it's always such an immense relief to talk to someone about how I am feeling...he is safe and it's the only real life place I can open my mouth and talk...

To cut a long story short he said that the meds can't control my thoughts and that there is no "bigger picture" that I am being sold into it. He was really honest and said that the med companies have their priorities but it appears my thinking had become a bit delusional about the meds and the bigger picture. So do I put trust in him and believe him? Hesitantly yes...because I do trust him and I value his opinion and besides he knows wayyyyyyyyy more about this stuff than I ever will right??

It appears my illness took hold and my beliefs went askew causing me to believe I needed to come off my meds....which in turn just made me sicker......

And I thought I was doing sooooo well............

I have to gain some courage tonight...I have to try and swallow those meds and fight my thinking that they are controlling me. I am in great turmoil over this and I feel sick with anxiety at the thought I will take them and become ignorant again.

I feel so utterly and hopelessly depressed and down....to top it off my husband hasn't even asked how my appointment went....he has obviously forgotten which makes me think he just doesn't care if its not important enough for him to ask how I went....

How on earth am I going to swallow all those tablets tonight??

Internal Battle

I have developed a terrible head cold. You know the type....stuffed nose that still manages to drip....throbbing head....sinus' blocked.....

It's making me feel even worse.....

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow....I feel so desperate and depressed.

I WANT to go back on my meds, truly I do...I'm aware I have crashed because it's been a month since I last took them...But I'm so scared of the control they have over me and my thoughts. I'm too scared to take them...which is ridiculous because I have been on psychiatric medication for the better part of a decade! It's just now that I am burdened with the knowledge of the bigger picture....It would be easier if I didn't know ....

Can't win........

Darkness

Dark.Dark.Dark.

Really really struggling right now. Trying desperately to hold on but I just don't have the strength.

How low can you go?

I have managed to track everything today and have stayed within my allocated Weight Watchers points...I even have 1 point left over and have earnt 2 bonus points....that's my positive for the day ;-)

My mood seems to be fluctuating on a 24hr cycle without the 'up' but more so a constant neutral followed by a extreme 'down' peak. I'm not rapid cycling...it's more even than that....I just get hit by this terrible low every night that leaves me shattered and desperate.

I had terrible anxiety this morning...so much so that I had to take a valium before work just to try and get my thoughts together. I try and resist valium as it and I do not have a favourable history but today I really needed it.

Right now my husband and daughter are helping me keep it together because it's important to me that I am able to look after them. If it wasn't for them I think I would be permanetly curled up in bed drugged up on Seroquel......

Only 5 more working days till the school holidays......thank god.....

A False Positive....

Reading back I realise how negative I am, even though I try sooo hard to be a positive person. I wonder if it's the depression talking or if it's actually me. If I'm just like that....which if it is just me then that's just depressing....making me more depressed...and more negative...See the vicious cycle???

The whole purpose of this blog is to have somewhere safe and anonymous to vent. To scream. To kick. To babble incoherently when it's warranted.

But am I just breeding negativity within myself?

Am I feeding the depression its own life?

So I am going to do something my old psychologist (cause I don't need one of them anymore :-)used to get me to do....

Concentrate on one positive a day...and if that's too hard...a week...

But I'll aim high and aim for one a day.

So...are you curious (shite, now I'm talking to myself...)?

My positive for the day....I got to sleep in till 9am today.....


There. I.did.it.

As for my horrific gain at WW yesterday I have already started undoing the damage. I have tracked everything so far today and made healthy choices. I did the shopping today and not one chocolate made its way into my trolley! Not even a teeny tiny Freddo Frog....

I am hoping to lose the 1.1kg I gained in the last 2 weeks this week. But I know, for me, that's near impossible...but I will try. My leader asks everyone to write down a focus for the week and my focus was to simply track each day and take one day at a time. So far So good ;-)

Re; the Meds. I see my psychiatrist on Friday and I know he is going to ask about my meds and I will have to tell him I've stopped them. I know he will be unimpressed, but I have damm good reasons and I know. I know the conspiracy behind the drugging of an unfortunate minority of people. I refuse to be sucked in once more.....

Lack of Self-Respect

I had weigh in today at WW....Weigh in after going completly off the rails for 2 weeks.....

It wasn't good....

I had a GAIN of 1.1kg....

I'm devstated. Of course it's completly my own fault. I reconnise that. I know that.

It's just that I've been so upset and I'm an emotional eater....as much as I hate to admit that.

I need to find new behaviours to replace the emotional eating.

Any suggestions?

Still feeling really down and out....but I don't.want.to take my mind-controlling/ pyschiatrict-community-funding/ crowd-control drugs.

Punishment

I feel the need to punish myself. Why? I'm not sure...Maybe because I can feel myself become sick again and I'm terrified...

I use to cope with my illness by cutting/burning...it was a coping mechanism that took YEARS to replace with healthy behaviours.

But now the urge is back....it pre-occupies my mind.

I don't want to cut/burn. I don't want to disrespect myself so much like that.

I am angry at myself for indulging in emotional eating. So angry. I know at weigh in tomorrow I will have had a gain and I am angry at myself for undoing all my good work previously. Thus, I feel the need to punish myself. I have not eaten dinner tonight to try and compensate but it does not seem adequate punishment. Voices are telling me to start starving myself as punishment and its oh so appealing. I could do that. I have done that before. It's not cutting or burning is it????

The Edge of Depression....

I feel so very down. The scary thing is that I know this is simply the outskirts of depression, I know it gets so much worse. I have been there many times in that fog where you can't think and can't function and I.DO.NOT.WANT.TO.GO.BACK.

But I'm headed there....I can feel the pull of the black hole....

I feel so isolated and depressed and lonely that I am actually considering re-taking my anti-depressants (but not anti-psychotics)just to try and get out of this slump.

It's just that I thought I was well again....and as soon as I stop my meds I get sick. Every.Single.Time.

What the hell is wrong with me?????

My husband is picking up on my moods. When I go all quiet because of the depression HE goes all quiet because he doesn't know what to say. So then I feel like I'm making him sad because Im sad and it's all my fault!! Likewise when I am happy and chatty HE is happy and chatty.

His mood has always reflected mine and so I feel extremely repsonsible for how he is feeling.... I LOVE my husband and don't want to make him sad...so I try and be happy...but, right now, thats becoming harder and harder to pretend to be.

The depression is making me oh so tired and lethargic, it's so hard to be 'lively'.

Re; Weight Watchers...I have TOTALLY fallen off the bandwagon. The last 2 days have been shockers. I feel so ashamed. Trouble is, I'm an emotional eater and so have been trying to comfort myself through food.

Tomorrow is a new day right??

Anxiety

I never used to be an overly anxious person. People used to describe me as laid-back...in fact they still do. That's because I am excellent at pretending everything is fine....Just fine.....When underneath I am screaming or forzen with warranted or unwarranted anxiety.

I once told my psychiatrist that I try really hard to be 'normal' and he laughed and laughed. But isn't that the point of psychiatry? To make you 'normal' again...

I don't have a reason for been anxious lately, all I can think of is that maybe it's a side effect of stopping my medication. I'm particulary anxious in the morning, even more so before work starts. I work myself up into a state and then have to calm myself down, usually by talking to myself so then I just look crazy. Can't win can you?

I don't want to come across as being so negative. I want to be the kind of person who sees the glass as half full instead of half empty, but hey lifetime habits are hard to change.

I'm currently doing the whole Weight Watchers thing...so far I've lost 6.4kg and I have about 7kg to go before I get to goal weight. Trouble is I have insulin resistance (plus I was on the meds) so losing weight is like pulling teeth...painful and oh so slow. Today was a bad day followed by a bad night...Chinese.

Did I mention I seriously lack willpower??

Slave to the economy....

So I have stopped taking my medication....I stopped a couple of weeks ago....cold turkey. I know, I know...a stupid thing to do. But I'm sick of the mind control that the meds have over me. I'm just a slave to the psychiatric economy...Sucker...It's big business this psychiatry stuff and I've been playing into the hands of the bank manager.

No more....

I don't want my thoughts influenced and controlled. I don't want to be moulded into someone else.

It's all a conspiracy, they make you sicker so they can stay in demand. I know this because I've been part of it so long....but not anymore.

My anxiety is increasing. I am regularly feeling anxious over seemingly trivial things or nothing at all. It starts in my stomach and works its way through my mind. It's distressing and uncomfortable and I want to scream. Or run, run and run and run.

Although there is no one listening....it's good to talk and share my thoughts. Lessens the burden.

Isolated Reality......The Impetus

I just need an outlet. I'm drowning in my own sorrow and anxieties. My reality is becoming merged with your reality and I'm not sure which one is real.

I have started this blog instead of keeping a hard copy journal. Online blogging seems so much more detached....I like that. Safe distances. Right up my alley.

A little snippet about me....I have schizo-affective disorder which is the bane of my existence. I also have depression and anxiety but I'm fine. I'm a mum and a special education teacher, love my jobs :-). That's all for now.....this blog is about anonymity for me.

I have been so well the last year but I feel myself slipping and I'm trying to reach out....hence the blog.....in order to keep myself well and sane.

I promise to try and be cheery. lol.